Why spend a small fortune on an expensive bike fitting from the likes of Cyclefit or Retul when all you need to know is handily published on the outside of this bike box?

Skill, as we used to say in the fifth form.

There’s a reason bikes aren’t made entirely from wood. In fact, there are a whole lot of reasons. This lot don’t care, and they’ve already hit a heady 11.25mph. Time to break out the Cuprinol.

Audax bikes are light tourers, right? This stretches the definition of light.

Yeah, I know it's a crap picture but you try taking photos of yourself on a 10-second timer.

That's a bit better. (Leith Hill, by the way.)

Shere, the only village I know with an old fire station for a public convenience.

Some gratuitous product placement for a certain bike shop.

Windsor Great Park.

Rush hour in the Lee Valley.

Shhh. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret.

Never keep a mirror in your tent.

When they say 'one-man tent', they really should specify the size of the man.

I wouldn't dream of it.

'Sarf' of the river.

Just outside of Eynsford.

Cake + coffee = happy cyclist.

Chartwell, the last stop before home.

Job done.

Plenty of knobs to twiddle

Boutique cycling brand Rapha has caused many raised eyebrows with the price of its latest product, a 1700 Euro coffee machine.

However, Rapha’s CEO, Simon Mottram, has revealed that the each espresso maker will come with its own barista included in the price.

“Complaints that the machine is overpriced are wide of the mark,” said Mottram. “What our critics forget is that each machine comes with its own fully trained 20-year-old barista. Until now our coffee-loving customers have had to make their own espresso. Who wants to do that after a 200km training ride in the Dolomites? With the Rapha espresso machine there’s no need.”

Rapha customers will be asked to express their preference for a male or female barista before parting with their 1700 Euros. The baristas will also be fully trained bike mechanics and expert in sports massage.

“Think of them as part barista, part bike mechanic, part soigneur,” said Mottram.

Just 200 of the coffee machines will be made for Rapha by Rocket Espresso Milano. Each stainless steel machine is engraved with the words “Lo stolto è facilmente il suo denaro da parted” – “A fool is easily parted from his money”.

Rapha’s rival brand, Shutt Velo Rapide, has denied reports that it will shortly bring out its own coffee machine that’s just as good for half the price.

Next time, Johnny will take more care shaving his legs

Dutch rider, Johnny Hoogerland, has become a hero to cyclists everywhere after riding through the pain barrier following his horrendous crash on stage nine of this year’s Tour de France. He won more fans for his remarkable calm at the finish and lack of anger towards the car driver who caused the incident. Here are five things you didn’t know about Hoogerland.

1. While growing up as a small boy in Holland, Hoogerland once saved his entire village by putting his finger in a dyke.

2. After the stage to Lourdes, Hoogerland took the healing water and his wounds have miraculously healed.

3. Ridley, the bike supplier to Hoogerland’s Vacansoleil team, will launch a special edition Ridley Noah to commemorate Johnny’s bravery, complete with barbed wire graphics. Just 33 will be made, one for each of Hoogerland’s stitches.

4. Hoogerland has annouced a personal sponsorship deal with Savlon.

5. In the off season, Johnny Hoogerland runs anger-management courses with the Dalai Lama.

6. None of the above is true, but Hoogerland has already forgiven me.

£3899? Not for the bike, for the frameset? Jeez. Time to start saving.

The camera never lies

As unlikely as it sounds, I won a time trial last weekend. I know it’s sad, but I took a picture of the results board on my phone.

It has been pointed out to me that it was a veteran’s event and that I’m not a veteran. However, there are plenty of fast riders over 40 and a win’s a win. This was not, as one friend put it, ‘like mugging a pensioner’.

I had never won an open TT before and I can tell you, winning feels good.